Rise of an Empire’s storyline takes a long time to sort out. Poor Themistocles, women everywhere are sexually harassing him, and the stodgy old guard in Athens wants to acquiesce to the oncoming Persians. “Are you just going to stand there with your cock in your hand,” she snaps while he watches Spartan men grapple viciously. “You fight harder than you fuck,” Artemisia (Eva Gaëlle Green from Casino Royale) snarls at Athenian general Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) during combat, and earlier, when Themistocles ventures to Sparta to enlist their remaining warriors’ swords after their 300 guard has fallen, he’s besieged by Leonidas’s wife, Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey). The minus is that the script, written in part by Snyder, is porn-flick awful.
With 300: Rise of an Empire, you pretty much get the same thing, except a slightly different slice of history and that kick-ass thrumping song that the Game-Boy trailer’s cut to, happens to be Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” The plus is that you can see all the computerized arterial spray in 3D, and I’d recommend that you do so, especially to see Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro returning to the role) perched atop a sky-high ziggurat and looking out over the hordes of his minions-if you have a twinge of acrophobia, your stomach will likely flutter or something more acute. Plus it’s history, so it’s not like you’re going to have a “I didn’t see that coming” moment, even with Frank Miller’s graphic novel, Xerxes, driving the game. Probably the greatest thing about Zach Snyder’s 300 besides hearing Leonidas (Gerard Butler, with his CGI enhanced six-pack abs) vociferously proclaim, “This … is … Sparta!” and kick one of Xerxes’s emissaries down a bottomless well, was the hip, infectious trailer of half-naked Spartan warriors assailing the vast Persian army to the manic techno beat of Nine Inch Nails’s “Just as You Imagined.” The movie itself was overload, more of the same, slowed by plot, reason and redundancy.
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